From nothing

This book started as a burning desire to write a book. I’d never written a book before and read relatively few books throughout my adult life, so it’s safe to say I didn’t have a very strong attachment to books. I just wanted to write one.

Coincidentally I was at the point where I was searching for a way to find out who I was. This is something I believe couldn’t be tackled head-on. Sitting down and writing, “‘Who am I,’’ would yield a list of things I’d like to be, or believe myself to be, not the things that I truly am.

That’s the problem with thinking about yourself. Typically only positive qualities come forth, and even they may not be true. Negative qualities rarely come forth without additional consideration.

A confluence of two events: Perhaps I could use the book as a way to drive and capture self reflection. Not everything I learn from the process has to be book worthy. Similarly the book can do it’s own thing at times.

I don’t quite have a strategy for this book except watching my actions, thoughts, and feelings for patterns of behavior I can write about. Some things that come to mind are chapter-worthy and require sitting down to write the chapter then and there. Other ideas I write down in an IDEAs file. Gather enough similar ideas and there’s a chapter to be written. This is by no means an exhaustive list of methods I used to put together this book.

The key thing that most chapters share is that I had to be mindful about a corner of my life—some places more than others.

While making the book, I found myself reflecting on past memories, putting each into context, and remembering them from others’ perspectives. Forcing myself to change perspective helped drive self-reflection and gave a valuable perspective: How I was when remembering the memories like this tells me who I am.

Who I am. Such an embarrassment. It’s hard to look at myself as others look at me.

Why write the book anyway? No reason.

Without reason, there’s nothing to direct the writing process, nothing to say what is wrong or right.

Without reason, there’s nothing to say when the book is finished.

I could print a one-off of the book and say I’ve written a book.

I did print a 25-off of the book and give it to close friends and family for feedback. This chapter already looks different.

Does what I want inform the purpose of the book?

I’d like to say, “No,” but the answer is, “Yes”.

If I want the book to become more widespread than 25 people, does that speak to the purpose of the book? Probably. What fuels my desire for a widespread distribution?

Attention and affection.

I want to give the world something and have the world look back at me and scream, “Yes.”

And maybe give me a hug.

You have to give something to get something.

What could the universe want me to give?

My experience, open for the world to see.